Review: Metallica's Death Magnetic

I knew it as soon as I saw one of the tracks titled “The Unforgiven III.” Let’s just say they should have called this Shit Magnetic.

I haven’t had any hope for these guys in about 15 years. I bought Load when it came out, then promptly sold it at a used CD store to help buy a Butthole Surfers CD instead, which was much more worthwhile. Then I hoped Reload would let the band redeem themselves . . . but was disappointed again, and lost interest in them all together. The only reason I noticed them again during that time is when they released Garage Inc., because hey, the re-released Garage Days stuff kicks ass (but none of the new stuff did, though).

I won’t even mention their retarded symphonic thing. St. Anger was a disc that sounded much better if you vomited on it and played it on a CD player that didn’t work.

So Death Magnetic was supposed to be the triumphant return. All the reviewers talking about this CD have been crapping their pants, saying this is And Justice for All part 2. So what the hell, I’ll give it a chance. I love heavy music.

Well, Metallica pulled the wool over my eyes again. Those bastards. They’re trying really, really hard to sound like they did 20 or so years ago. But they’re old. James is sober. Lars is even more of a tool. Gorilla-man is on bass.

Frankly, the only worthwhile member of the band is Kirk. He really needs to find some new friends to hang out with. Ones that have some sort of realistic musical aspirations. His solos rock.

Hetfield’s voice is worse than Bob Dylan’s nowadays. I think the only way he can get back any of his former magic is with the aid of that magic juice. When he’s drunk, he’s interesting. And the riffs just aren’t that heavy anymore. Yeah, they’re close, but just don’t cut it.

So Metallica has crossed me one too many times, and I’m now officially swearing them off for good. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it a 2.