The Cat
I knew something was wrong with the cat when her meows sounded more like howls. The day was late and projects still filled my email inbox, but the cat's tortured cries snatched my attention away from work.
I saved my progress on the computer and went downstairs. Evening had already come, and I desperately wanted to focus on my work – I needed to get ahead so I could justify leaving town for a couple days to visit my brother in the next state.
I figured the cat had eaten something she shouldn't have. A year ago, I brought a new plant to the house, unaware that it was poisonous to cats. She chewed on a stalk of it and spent the night at the animal hospital. All I could hope for this time was that she wouldn't throw up on the carpet – that was horrible to clean up.
Rounding the corner to the kitchen, I stopped when I saw her white and gray stripes in the middle of the room. She buried her face in the rug under the table, her sides pumping in and out as her breathing accelerated.
Crouching down, I whistled to her. “Jasmine, come here girl.”
She took no notice, letting out another pitiful moan.
I whistled again with the same result. I moved closer to her, but hesitated – Jasmine could get downright vicious when feeling threatened, annoyed, or sick. One second she'd be purring on your lap, and the next she'd tear into your arm with her teeth. The scars on my hands were a testament to the battles we'd fought.
This was one of those situations: she didn't want to be bothered. But I reached for her anyway, wanting to move her off of the rug. She spun around, baring her teeth in a wide-eyed hiss, the hair on her back standing on end. I flinched at the wild look – I'd never seen her that angry before.
That's when I began to think I had lost my mind. Too much work that week; too many long days; not nearly enough sleep.
The cat grew. Jasmine had weighed a healthy ten pounds, but her size more than doubled right in front of me. Joints popped and bones adjusted to accommodate her new girth. Her ears grew longer, and two small bloody horns erupted from her forehead. New teeth pushed through her gums and her jaw expanded to accommodate them, creating a jagged smile. Another more menacing hiss escaped as her mouth opened wider.
Her toes cracked as giant claws grew into place, burrowing into the thick brown rug. Her tail lengthened, swatting the chairs from under the table.
Terror clutched me – it was hard to breathe. Jasmine's eyes expanded, then went completely black: shark eyes. They were eyes that held nothing, pulling me in. My heart thumped and blood pounded into my head. I fought to take a breath, weakened at the sight of Jasmine's transformation, all of which had happened within a few seconds.
She hunched down. I threw my arms up in front of me as Jasmine launched, baring her teeth and drawing up her claws. I ducked, swatting her to the side and somehow avoiding her swinging nails. The cat-thing sprang back to its feet and lay its ears back, arching its back for another attack.
On my hands and knees, I scooted around the island in the middle of the kitchen, out of Jasmine's sight. Her claws clicked off the tile as she followed, her distorted shadow slinking along the tile. I suddenly jumped to my feet and ran. Jasmine hissed and spat.
She caught up with me on the stairs, slicing the back of my heel with her claw. I felt the blood trickling down my foot as I dived into my office, slamming the door behind me. Jasmine hit the door so hard that a tall lamp in the corner tipped over, knocking a picture off the wall. It snapped apart when it hit the floor, cracking the glass.
I cursed, locking the door and collapsing into the soft desk chair. In the darkness I noticed small dark blotches on the carpet – blood from my foot. The door thudded again and I flinched, shaking. Jasmine screeched, shaking the walls with every assault on the door.
The only escape was through the window. The desk blocked it, and I had to awkwardly bend over it to slide the glass up. A rush of frigid winter air smacked my face. As thud after booming thud began to crack the door, I worked the screen loose and shoved it out.
The second floor window was about twelve feet up from the snow-dusted ground. Only in my pajama pants, t-shirt and socks, I crawled over the desk, sending pens, paper, and folders all over the floor. I shifted around and stuck my feet out, desperately grasping for the edge as I slid through.
The door burst open and Jasmine howled, crashing into the room. My fingers slipped from the edge of the window and I fell, slamming to the frozen ground feet-first. My lower legs exploded with pain – there wasn't enough snow on the ground to break the fall. Gritting my teeth, I rolled over and rose up onto my throbbing legs.
Voices. I couldn't understand what they said, but they sounded like they came from the front of the neighbors' house. I moved my stiffening legs as fast as I could, clenching my jaw as the pain welled up, hearing the clicking of the Jasmine-beast as she came to the open window above.
I didn't look back, pushing off the corner of my house and hobbling over to the neighbors'. Rounding the front of the house, I stopped and breathed in relief when I saw them. Marcus and his wife Summer stood in their driveway, silhouetted by the single light fixture on the garage.
The pain was too much for me and my knees buckled. I groaned when my legs struck the hard turf, and I fell backwards into the drifted snow.
Marcus calmly made his way over to me. He crouched down.
Engulfed in pain, I thrust a hand to him, gasping for his help. He moved closer, bringing his face down to mine.
His features came into clear view, even in the darkness. Inches from me, he opened his mouth to reveal oozing, jagged teeth. Bones creaked as he smiled.
Seconds before I died, I caught a glimpse of his eyes – black shark eyes. They captured my gaze as Marcus slashed my throat with his thick, pointed nails. A jet of blood splashed onto his face, wrinkled and distorted from its former youthful appearance. Summer appeared as I blacked out, a lurking shadow behind Marcus. They tore into me.
Update: Mr. Fudgie Fudge
You'll remember my post about Mr. Fudgie Fudge. Even though he still frightens me beyond any horror movie, I continue to buy the fudge. I finally found the commercial, featuring the kick ass theme song.
Monsters of Misfitboy: The Deadly Mantis (1957)
There is an old urban legend that says "if you kill a praying mantis you can be fined up to $50." But what if the mantis is bigger than a 2-story house? Well, that’s what’s at the drive-in this week as we dive into Universal's The Deadly Mantis (1957). One neat little fact about the film is that the actor who did the voice for the famous "Robby the Robot" narrates the film. Now at first you might think that this movie is a documentary from 5th grade science class. At certain parts of this film, you're not sure if you're watching a b-movie or getting an education! I mean, this goes on for the first 12 minutes into the picture! (insert more stock footage for plot holes). I would personally recommend the MST3K version of this film for the simple fact that Mike and the "bots" really tear this movie to pieces!

So here is the plot. "For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action," narrates the voice at the start of the film. A volcano erupts on a distant island and causes tremors across the North Pole, causing a giant glacier to crack and collapse, revealing our giant menace (yes, a giant insect in the North Pole -- don’t ask, I don’t know either). OK, insert even more stock footage, and finally 15 or 16 minutes into the picture the film finally starts. On a small military station manned by two men, a distant buzzing sound is heard before the roof collapses on top of them. Meanwhile, Colonel Joe Parkman is worried that something is wrong with the station, so he sends out a search team. When they arrive they find the station is destroyed. A giant claw falls on top of them, nearly crushing the two searchers (he he, giant claw)! They take it back to the lab for investigation. After more [YAWN] chattering they finally figure out what it is! Yeah. They send out a plane to see if they can find it after it appears on the radar, and the plane never comes back. Surprise [insert more boring dialogue] and then the mantis finally strikes! OK, as if the poor Eskimos don’t have enough to deal with -- polar bears, living in ice, gamera at one point (never vacation in the north pole) -- the mantis attacks and the Eskimos flee.
The giant claw, as I referred to earlier, is actually a hook from the mantises giant pinchers. MORE DRAMA THAN THE MIDNIGHT PODCAST!!! Sorry Corey. Here comes the giant puppet! The mantis shows itself eventually right outside the base of Red Eagle One, as it's referred to. Seeking a warmer climate, the mantis moves towards the USA. OK, enough already, the mantis tours Washington and New York, where it is rammed by Parkman and bails out of the plane at the last second -- that was close! In the end, the mantis is trapped in a highway tunnel under the streets of New York!
Spoiler alert!! The mantis hides in the tunnels of New York, wounded and dying. Then the military comes in to gas the creature. The end.
On a scale from 1-10 I would give this a 4, BUT the MST3K version would be a 9! Go figure. Thanks Corey, and I'll see you at the drive-ins for Creature from the Black Lagoon! This is misfit boy and I’m out!
Flesheater (1988)
Wanna hear my review of NOTLD Graveyard Zombie Bill Hinzman's ultraviolent cheesefest? Go on over to Library of the Living Dead and listen to episode 101!
Podcast Update
I just wanted to post a quick note about some appearances on podcasts that have I've made over the past few weeks. I realized that I haven't talked much about these, so here we go:
A Little Dead Podcast » A Little Comic Book Update (for 03 March 2010)
My friends at A Little Dead Podcast asked me to review the 4-issue release of The Crazies, and I had a great time doing so.
Dead Lantern Splattercast » The 3rd Annual Splatcademy Awards
This was fun, as I gave a highly slanderous presentation for Best Director.

