I was reviewing Trollhunter (2011) for an upcoming podcast, and the joke was made that Hans, the trollhunter in the movie, was basically the most interesting man in the world (the Dos Equis man). So I had to make this.

I just read about bullets specially manufactured and packaged for use on the undead.

No joke. While it’s basically a marketing ploy for the increasing number of zombie movie fans (and those convinced that the zombie uprising could actually happen), the bullets are live ammo, ready for use in a variety of firearms.

If you read to the end of the article, they mention that bullets intended to be fired on zombies causes a concern for people dressed in zombie costumes. I could totally see something very bad happening as a result.

Read the article at BlueRidgeNow.com»

I got this sweet rusted metal sign, perfect for displaying at my door to keep everyone else in the world out. They’re very reasonably priced, so check out what else is offered over at Zed’s Zombie Ranch.

[ Here's my first white van speaker scam article ]

What a beginning to the weekend this has been! My Friday evening, which is usually peaceful and relaxing, was suddenly full of adventure and intrigue.

I’m having something of a party tomorrow night, and decided to go out for beer after dinner. I jumped in my car and headed to my favorite beer shop. I came out with armloads of Dogfish Head and Yuengling, eager to get back home and put it on ice. I inadvertently made a wise decision: to get all the beer warm.

I got in the car and the engine wouldn’t turn over. I just heard a clicking as the lights dimmed. And then my key wouldn’t come out of the ignition. I Googled the problem on my Blackberry, and based on some quick research, I concluded that the battery was dead. It was amazing to me that one moment, everything was fine, and the next moment, the battery kicked it.

I called my wife, asking her to bring jumper cables. I was tempted to drink a beer in the parking lot as I waited, but two things occurred to me: 1) the beer was warm, and 2) it may pose a legal issue, as open containers of alcohol in public places are frowned upon by the police.

When my wife arrived, I popped the hoods and began to work. I was horrified at the amount of corrosion on my battery terminals. It was like a cake decorator had gotten into the engine and coated my battery with multi-colored icing. But it smelled like rotten eggs, and smoked as I tried to jump the car.

In the middle of all this, a white van full of young hip dudes rolled up beside us. I was adjusting the jumper cables, and they rolled down their windows and told me about these sweet stereo systems they had in the back of the van, and that they were selling them off for cheap. They were very giggly.

“No way,” I said.

They sat there and insisted that I look at the speakers.

“I’m kinda busy here,” I said. “I’m trying to get my car jumped.”

They proceeded to make fun of me and cuss me out. Then they drove away. All I can say is that if your job is to drive around on a Friday night, scamming people and acting retarded, then you’re a pansy loser. How much do you make for giving up your evenings? Minimum wage? Maybe ten bucks an hour? Run along, kids. I’m going to relax while you work.

So I called the police after getting the license plate number. They transferred me to the State Police, who proceeded to be very rude with me, saying that they get calls about these people all the time, and that they are perfectly within their rights to sell their stuff.

You have to be kidding me! So, it’s perfectly fine to drive around with a load of cheap junk and sell them to suckers by telling them that you’re overstocked and just want to “unload” the speakers for cheap to make a quick buck since the boss screwed up. That’s perfectly legal, and has the blessing of the cops!

My guess is that the cops are getting paid off by these guys. That’s the only reasonable explanation for this.

So, I got the car started up — finally — and rolled over to Advance Auto, which was just across the street. These are the words of the man who changed my battery when he saw the obscene amount of corrosion on my battery: “Holy shit.”

He had never seen a battery that bad. I felt bad that he had to work so hard to clean up the mess and replace a lot of parts that had been eaten away; but at the same time I felt pretty cool that I brought them the worst-looking battery they’d ever seen.

Now it’s over and done with. I thwarted the white van speaker scam retards once again (this makes my 4th encounter — read about my first 3 here) and conquered the frightening situation of my car not starting.

And the weekend is just barely beginning. I’m a bit frightened now to think about what the party has in store for me tomorrow.

I just spent some time at Niagara Falls, Canada. It was the perfect time of year to go: the weather was cool and comfortable, and very few other people roamed around. I was amazed at the number of head shops.

I learned something funny from the girl who worked at Burger King on Clifton Hill, the main tourist drag leading to the falls. This was the coolest Burger King I’ve ever been to — nothing special about the inside, but the outside featured a giant Frankenstein monster clutching a burger.

Since American dollars and Canadian dollars are so close in value right now, it’s not really worth doing the currency exchange thing. Every place we spent money at in Canada accepted American dollars, and gave change in Canadian dollars. The girl who helped us at Burger King was thrilled when I happily accepted Canadian dollars as change. She told us that Americans get upset all the time about having to accept Canadian money, calling it “fake” or “monopoly money.” She seemed genuinely offended at this.

What I took away from my trip to Canada is this: you gotta respect their cash.

Last night, I ended up reading a bunch of articles about the White Van Speaker Scam. It’s the one where a couple guys approach you about buying overstocked speakers from their van at a great price. They show you all kinds of brochures and magazines pricing their speakers in the thousands of dollars, and then see how much they can get out of you. The speakers are actually very poorly-made, and the guys have been hired to give this spiel to their targets as a way of selling inferior speakers. I have been approached by these shady people three times so far. The first time, I bought speakers from them. The other two times, things got weird.

1. The Sheetz parking lot, Kittanning, PA

This was probably around 1998. I was living in a very small apartment just across the alley from the Sheetz convenience store in Kittanning, PA. I was just getting something to eat there before I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. A young Asian guy came up to me and asked if I’d like to get some really awesome speakers for next to nothing. I checked them out; they were tall Dynalab speakers in impressive-looking packaging. He and the driver of the van showed me magazines that priced the speakers at $1299.

The warehouse overstocked his van, giving him 6 but only invoicing for 4, he said. He wanted to get rid of them before they got back to the warehouse, where they would have to return the speakers. So the Asian guy asked me for $600. I had nothing close to that amount of money available, going to college full-time and working part-time. All I could spare was $200, but only after I cashed my paycheck.

They agreed, giving me an invoice saying something about two speakers being paid for. They put the speakers in my trunk and followed me to the bank. I gave them the cash and split.

My plan was to sell the speakers and make a few bucks. I didn’t have Internet access at my place, so I went to my parents’ house and got online. I was unhappy to discover that Dynalab speakers were part of the White Van Speaker Scam. But I took out a free ad somewhere asking $600 for them. Never heard anything. I called the number on the invoice, which indicated that the company was based out of Export, PA. I got an answering machine, and I left a message, but never heard back.

So the speakers sat at my apartment for a couple weeks. One weekend, I had a bunch of people spend the night after my friend Tony’s wedding. One was a fraternity brother, and he was really interested in the speakers. He gave me cash down on them, and sent me the rest when he got back home. I made $100 bucks on them, and he kinda got screwed.

2. Parking lot at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania

This wasn’t long after the first encounter. I was commuting to the main campus of the Indiana University of Pennsylvania, and would often go back and forth to my car during the day. After my final class one day, a white van was prowling around the parking lot beside the football field where I had parked. When I neared, a man leaned out the passenger-side window — the Asian guy!

He asked if I wanted to look at some speakers, and I just shook my head and grinned. This pissed him off, and he scowled at me, flipping me off. I didn’t expect that! They drove away.

3. Millcreek Mall parking lot, Erie, PA

A couple years ago I came out of the mall and was about to get into my car. A white van pulled up to me, and a guy asked if I wanted to buy some speakers. Once again, I shook my head. “No,” I smiled.

When they drove away, I decided to take action. I followed their van in my car and called the police. I explained that I had been ripped off by guys like these, and that they approached me at the mall. The police said they wouldn’t do anything — basically blowing me off. The white van turned onto the interstate, and I just continued home.

What did I learn?

Why didn’t I think of this first?! Tricking people into buying crappy speakers out of a van for 2000% profit, with the blessing of the law enforcement. It’s amazing what people can get away with.

You’ll remember my post about Mr. Fudgie Fudge. Even though he still frightens me beyond any horror movie, I continue to buy the fudge. I finally found the commercial, featuring the kick ass theme song.

I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m much better off keeping my mouth shut, rather than voicing my anger-fueled opinions.

I’ve even stopped using Twitter as much . . . it’s all a bunch of trendy garbage. People who are not inherently cool now believe that they are cool.

There I go again.

I had my first negative experience on Ebay this weekend. It seems that I’ve run into a seller who thinks a lot of himself but also has a lot of issues.

As many of you know, I’ve been getting more and more into zombie comics, and I’ve been going through Ebay and my local comic shops to find all the zombie books I can. I bought the first couple issues of Dead Irons and the issue of Spider-Girl #13 with the variant zombie cover. I also bought an array of Zombie Tales issues from a seller named sonofbruno.

So I contacted sonofbruno yesterday to make sure he has shipped the comics. This is the response I got:

“Dude I said I send out within 2 days of payment. You paid me on March 22. I sent our Media Mail as advertised. Media Mail usually takes 7-12 days.”

My response:

“I understand that. I wanted to make sure — communication is extremely important to me. Do not get an attitude with me.”

His response:

“Screw you Feel free to give me bad feedback Unlike you I am not poor and I don’t like to have my time wasted by time wasters like you for chump change Get a life! I specified when I would send this and anyone with brain enough given my past feedback would understand that I am a reliable seller and people who buy from me get their products as stated. Get a life! Thank you for wasting 15 minutes of my day. I will not continue any more dialogue with you. Get a girlfriend not a comic book!”

My response:

“You’ve been reported, friend.”

So I reported his email to Ebay. Hopefully something happens, because when I report “abuse” to them they assume I’ve been threatened with violence. That isn’t the case here, but his response to me was certainly unwarranted.

I’m not even going to begin arguing with his statements, because he obviously doesn’t know me at all. But all of the sudden, I’m glad I wasted 15 minutes of his precious time. I look forward to wasting much more of it.

But I will agree with him on one point: I also do not like having my time wasted by time wasters. I prefer to have my time wasted by more efficient people.

Bottom line: DO NOT deal with sonofbruno on Ebay. He’s a complete dick.

I am just curious, though, about one thing . . . if this guy is as wealthy as he claims to be, why is he hawking comics on Ebay for a couple bucks each? I guess the economy’s pretty tough right now.

Another repost . . .

What you see here is Mr. Fudgie Fudge. He’s the mascot for a local fudge maker, and they run commercials on the local stations. It features a weird theme song . . . “Mr. Fudgie Fudge is the one I want, Mr. Fudgie Fudge is the one I crave, Mr. Fudgie Fudge is what I want, Mr. Fudgie Fudge is all the rage, it’s the best fudge, ’cause Mr. Fudgie Fudge is made fresh every day.”

I’ve tried the fudge, and have to admit it’s pretty good. But the mascot frightens the hell out of me. Like he’s going to get me alone and do something terrible to me.